Monday, December 18, 2006

Earth's Xmas List

Don't you wonder what the Earth is asking Santa to bring her this year?

Here is my best shot at it.

Dear Santa,

I hope you are doing well. I am running a bit of a temperature. It seems that all of those good little children that you have visited over the years have grown up to be not all that good. Most of them seem to believe that their actions do not have consequences. They throw their crap in my air, into my water, and any place else they can think of.

Considering that so many of these little critters are reasonably well educated, its hard to figure how they can be so silly and downright clownish in their approach to living on me.

At any rate, here is this years list.

I want you to come up with a dry toilet. My waters are being poisoned by the excrement of these 7 billion pukeheads and they need to quit that shit.

I think we need to develop some kind of material that goes on like paint and then acts to convert photons to electrons on almost every surface that these little busy bodies build.

I want some kind of energy battery that is cheap and reliable. I don't care if it is a micro ceramic or nano based. I don't care which, just get your elves to work on it. It needs to recharge in seconds and it should last for a million cycles at least. That way they can use lots of sunshine and wind and burn less of that midnight lignite.

I want your boys to work on a really tiny computer with 4 or 5 USB connectors on it. It can be about the size of one of those MP3 players, but it needs to do everything, and with the connectors, keyboards and monitors will tend to stay put and these mini micros will become their main frames and their main communicator. Hopefully that will reduce some of the waste these guys are putting into my soft mantle.

Also, and this is a lot to ask, but since you have a lot of resources and a crack staff, I wish you would hide all the bullets while you are on your little sleigh ride this year. Chris Rock is right. Guns don't kill people, bullets do. While you are at it, you might hide the missiles and the land mines too. Oh, and don't give the American politicians children a dang thing until they sign the global land mine treaty, the global warming treaty, and a host of other treaties that they have ignored.

I know its not your job to bring peace on earth, but surely you know the guy who is supposed to, given that your cushy job is based on his birthday.

So, tell him for me that if he plans to bring this peace through all out war, or ultimate humanoid extinction through climate change, that's OK with me. The dolphins have been voting for this for a couple of hundred years already.

It just seems like we have a lot invested in these guys, and I hate to see it all go down. But, it's happened before, it can happen again, I guess.

I hope Ms. Claus is keeping your Cholesteral in shape.

Mine sucks.

Yours truly,



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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fun post...and as always to the point. I like the cushy job comment.

7:00 AM  

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